Perceptive Paramour

Is that your REAL answer?

2008-03-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

One of my personal problems is that I don't know how to turn people down.

Sure, I am indecisive about most things, except for the decisions that really matter. But this issue is more of the fact that I make the decision, yet feel bad passing it on.

The case in point that I am referring to is saying no to photographers that I don't want to work with... I normally stick to:

- I'm focusing on school right now
- I am not doing much TFP
- I am pretty busy

I just need the guts to say: NO, I don't want to pose nude and seductive for you, your work is crap, but if you want my body these are my rates.

Its so frustrating to be more than a push-over, which I feel I am doing by being an excuse user. Alas, I'm too busy focusing on school to grow some balls :-)

Pandas, Polar Bears, and Pumps, Oh My!

2008-03-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

Save the Polar Bears...
Do you have a minute to listen to Eco-Oregon?
Lets love Pandas together!

These are the phrases I heard today between classes. Three different petitioners approached me during the same 5 minute stretch between buildings, and I wasn't even on the Park blocks.

Sure I agree with your cause. Our societies are destroying the environment that humans evolved with and are not doing much to change it. That being said, put some signs up on campus or something, but do not flock towards me as I walk to my lecture. Where is your class, and why are you not in it, Mr. Clipboard? Why would I possibly be on campus to do anything other than sign the same form that I was confronted with yesterday?

I have not looked into if you get paid or not, Sir Signature- Stealer, but if you do wouldn't that make this venture quite pointless? Your wages should go to saving those poor animals that you admire so much, not into your pocket.

Now, how do I personally find my way through the maze of eco-advocates? I fake text. That's right, they force me to pretend that I have a highly important message that I HAVE TO TYPE WHILE WALKING. This is ridiculous- I should not change my habits for your abrupt slogans that interrupt my walks. Yes I could keep my head held hi but that is a ridiculous notion to consider if walking the death zone on the Park blocks....

Heading towards the student union you see almost a half dozen classic young Portlanders standing in near vicinity, sometimes talking like they are just students meeting up on a random corner. One catches your eye and all the sudden the gang of them perk up. Telepathically they tell each other to get into formation, cutting off all angles and in different planes. If you walk past number one and turn them down, then either another cause pops up from the group or the stare down ensues. The meaning of, "have a nice day," after you turn them down is too loud, too happy, and too fake.

You are killing polar bears and pandas.

This guilt follows all around campus. One of these days I should either say I'm already on the list or use their same stare down that means "you are killing my soul with your endangered stares" and proceed to kill them with my NOT endangered stiletto pump clad foot.

Don't "Hassel" the Guard

2008-03-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

I understand that there are some establishments that flirting with a worker is acceptable- like a strip club. Sure that flirting is fake, but it is part of the job. Life guarding on the other hand is not one such field.

Thank you for acknowledging my looks, it is always good to receive a compliment. But when I am rotating to the other guard tower and there are over 50 people in the pool, it is not only impolite but incredibly stupid to stop me and try to start up a conversation. I don't find this ignorance to be attractive, nor the fact that you're half naked and incredibly hairy (although some out there like that, what with the success of bear strip clubs where the dancers grow their own shirts, I personally love the smoothness of my boyfriend's chest.)

By being so self centered that you want me to stop doing what I'm paid for to "chat me up" you are doing nothing for your case. If I came into your place of employment and distracted you from your minimum wage job of bagging groceries you would probably be reprimanded. My consequences would be worse if someone drowned during your worthless flirting spree.

In the past it was always the attractive men that were lifeguards and surfers in their free time that worked in California... Thank you Bay Watch. You have made it so that it is ok for people to flirt with me, because I will still have that telepathic connection to the distressed swimmer and will leave mid canoodling to rescue them. If I walk away I am seen as a bitch, and if I stay then I am totally unprofessional.

On the subject of Bay Watch, it seems David Hasselhoff had some fur on the stomach. If he was next to Pamela Anderson then in turn he would have the hotness quota that she did for men.

So am I in the minority on this body hair debacle? What is the turn on to body hair? Fine, I can deal with pubes and even some facial hair (as long as it isn't leaving red marks on my face) but why do I want that extra itchy friction on my chest if we're...errr... practicing modified CPR? Back hair is even worse since a man has even less control over getting rid of it. Sorry that you guys have to deal with it, but if you expect us to trim the hedges, the same goes to you... EVERYWHERE.

Safe to say I don't wear socks

2008-03-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

I had a photo shoot last week at the Jupiter Hotel… If you are looking for the hipster, stereotypical early 20s Portlander, look no further. Every guy there had a scraggly beard and a hoodie, while the girls made sure their pants thinned down to the circumference of their ankles. Nothing wrong with this scene, as it IS Portland. The bonfire outside the Doug Fir lounge was always populated even though it was pouring rain and the blue lights around the open ended hotel gave an eerie glow that reflected nicely off the “not a bike rack” signs on the railing.

Now this hotel seemed like the perfect retro setting for the shoot EXCEPT whoever built those hotel rooms was definitely high. Ok sure, you don’t need the most room if you are just going up to pass out after partying down at the lounge until 2 am (and yes, you must sign the contract stating that the party will end at that time) but really is it too much to ask for some walking room? We had to upgrade to a double room just to have a place for a suitcase of clothes.

But here is the real shocker… to make the room look bigger, there are two 5’x 3’ mirrors across the top of the beds. If you are going to want the image of a party hotel (as proven with the party contract and free condom on the bedside table) then why not utilize those mirrors and put them on the ceiling?! Even if that is only done on the second story rooms (if the people above you were rowdy, could you imagine a massive mirror falling on you if you were on the bottom floor?!), at least they would be more use than on a wall that the only access is crawling to them on the bed.

The main point that I bring up this shoot is that at the end the photographer decides that my lingerie shots should become “sexy”. Yes, black lace lingerie is sexy, and it wasn’t like I was smiling through the beginning of that set, but he wanted REAL sexy. As in, cup your crotch and make orgasm faces. I started to laugh it off because that is just really lame, but NO…

Photographer: “Pretend there is all that tension building after making out with your boyfriend.”

Me: “Haha I wouldn’t be making faces if I was at that stage.”

P: “It’ll be more dynamic for the shot. Just pretend you are about to go over the edge.”

M: (still giggling) “Like arching my back and stuff?”

P: “Yes! Definitely!”

M: (snorts with laughter) “If you ask my boyfriend he’ll just tell you I make stupid faces at everything.”

Ugh. I know models are supposed to just do as they are instructed and be able to embody the emotion at the time for a good shot, but really?! That looks so trashy! I understand about looking sultry, but that is not sexy! That is soft-core porn! I am not an American Apparel model such as this advertisement:

Yes I know that is their advertising scheme, but I think it looks tacky and doesn’t MODEL anything, even if it sells those oh-so-orgasmic socks. Too bad that girl was proven to be a porn star and now is even more of a hoe. If the photog or model are trying to mimic that style, then please state that and have the necessary wardrobe to go along with it.

So really photogs, until I see a high class, gorgeous photo of an O face, I don’t want to do them. That is for my boyfriend to laugh at, and not for you to have on your memory cards. Please, show me some pictures where it works and I will reconsider my stance on this.